Bear with me while I monetise my blog…

A couple of days ago I got an email from someone offering to pay me money to write blog posts for commercial products. The blog posts would appear on my blog, here, so effectively I would be being paid to endorse stuff ‘within my vertical’, as the email sender put it.

I can only guess what ‘within my vertical’ means. I wasn’t aware I had a vertical. I was curious to find out what one is. So I signed up, for no other reason than to get to the bottom of this mysterious phrase. The money doesn’t come into it.

Anyhow, the first ‘within my vertical’ products have started to come through, so here are my thoughts on them:

1. Samsung Galaxy S4. Galaxy has always been my favourite of the confectionary chocolates, so if this product (whatever it is) is anything like that, then I’m all for it. Sweet.
2. Lovehoney Mr Big Rabbit Vibrator. It does exactly what it says on the tin. Vibrates, I mean. (Not sure why it comes in a tin though.)
3. Marigold Rubber Gloves. At last! Here is a product I can get really enthusiastic about. As long as they are in large. The mediums are too small for my hands. And as for the smalls, I once ripped one trying to get it on. A sweaty, rubber-enclosed thumbs up from me!
4. Axe Deodorant. Over here we call it Lynx. But yes, Axe Deodorant – what can I say other than I once wrote a book called A Gentle Axe? I think I must have had this product in mind. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did. Though I forgot to mention it in the book. I promise to make up for that in the next book I write. If I ever write another one.
5. Despicable Me 2. You thought the first Despicable Me film was good? This is the one after it. Done in the same style.
6. Mont Blanc pens. I’m a crime writer. So naturally I like a good pen. For stabbing people in the eye with. This type works well and looks stylish too.
7. Spear & Jackson Garden Shears. I don’t do a lot of gardening, but if I did, I would definitely consider using these shears. Though the old rusty pair we have in the shed seem to work fine. I suppose they might be Spear & Jackson. I can check next time I’m in there if you like?
8. Nicki Minaj Pink Friday The New Fragrance. It certainly smells very pink and Fridayish. Though I’m told you can wear it any day of the week. That’s handy!
9. Mark Hill Hair – Caring and Styling Range. Caring and styling hair plays a big part in our lives. These hair products are designed to help you do it right! From holiday-care to mad party hairstyles, you’ll find all you need right here! Get the glamour look and be in control! (Okay, I’ll be honest. I pasted that from the website. Could you tell?)
10. Spear & Jackson Spirit Level. Not sure why they sent me this one. It’s not ‘within my vertical’ at all. In fact, it’s lying on top of my horizontal.

So there you have it. Now all I have to do is lie back and wait for the money to come in. Not that it’s about the money, of course.